This photo reminds me of how beautiful life is, and what amazing things can be done with determination and work. Most importantly though, this photo reminds me of just how much I am loved even if I don't always see it.
So this isn't the first time I've started update #14. But so far my previous attempts have barely begun to shine a light on what I'm trying to express. So here we are once again, hopefully writing update #14 for the last time. I'd like to use this chapter to begin to share what the entire marathon journey has meant. I'll begin by saying that I see this marathon journey as a piece of a bigger journey, which is my battle with leukemia. And I see that battle as part of a larger journey which is my life. That being said, my marathon journey has been a greater challenge and more life altering event then I could have ever imagined.
It's been a little over a week since race day. Nine days to be exact and I still have trouble quantifying what it is I actually accomplished by running the LA Marathon. For those of you who have actually crossed paths with me over these past nine days, you probably realized the race and the experience are still difficult for me to talk about. I'm trying for my own sanity to figure where this difficulty comes from. For starters I never expected this race to tap so many emotions bubbling deep within me. Actually, having any experience that draws so deeply from my well of emotions is something I've yet to become accustomed to. In addition to the emotional side, I am still trying to quantify how big a feat I actually accomplished. So as I try to pin down some points as to what this has meant, I will begin with why this experience has taken me off guard.
To put things simply my marathon journey has grown beyond anything I ever foresaw. It has grown much larger than the life I was originally willing to give it. I originally ran this race for two main reasons. This was always something I've wanted to do. Running a marathon, running the LA marathon has been a dream for quite some time. With that dream in mind, I saw my window of opportunity to attempt the run as possibly closing. That window was one reason I chose to run this years LA Marathon, the second and more driving reason I chose to run was to inspire my friends and partners that are battling leukemia also. From the moment I first signed up to run, this group (some who I see bi-weekly others every 6-8 weeks) have been inspired by what I was attempting. They have been supportive and understanding during the tough parts. And they have been waiting, waiting for me to fail. Waiting for me to fail, because when you're in the midst of battling with leukemia you don't really expect extraordinary things to happen. And if anyone had the right to expect that it was those who knew just how hard it would be. I wanted to run this marathon to inspire them. To give them hope. To maybe make a difference in their battle. That was something I could quantify. That was something I was hoping for and expecting from this journey. What's happened has been greater than that. I've been told I've inspired and given hope to so many more people. I've been called a "hero" by someone I consider a role model for my life. All this was totally unexpected. I have to admit that I love hearing these things, but I also have to admit that I don't know how to handle them. In the basest terms, I'm just not that great with receiving compliments. But being someone's "hero", "inspiration", or "hope" is really beyond a compliment. I have been humbled by the thought that I could touch people who weren't battling along with me in that way. I have no answer in my soul yet for what that means. All I can say at this point is I'm in love with the idea of it, and if you truly do find this inspiring please spread the word. The more people who hear this, perhaps the more who will stand up and run to make a difference. If one more person buys into the thinking, "I hate running, but I hate cancer more" and runs and raises funds to fight leukemia who knows what difference that might make in another person's life; in another person's world and all the lives that world encompasses.
The experience outgrew my expectations in other ways. Part of what I was looking forward to through completing this challenge was that sense of personal accomplishment. I love the idea of doing "great" things. I especially love accomplishing what I'm told I can't accomplish. I'm used to the idea of moving at my own pace and playing within my own boundaries. The thought that my doctor would underestimate me was not unexpected. My own belief that I could do this was very high going into the training. The first half of the training was difficult in its own right. I'm not a runner, so learning to run distances was a new thing. I really dislike running so committing to run so many times every week was a bit of a challenge. There were many difficulties I was expecting. However as the training season progressed the challenge grew larger and larger every day. Each practice the runs were harder for my body to cope with. Each week I had to juggle between what my coaches expect from each team member and what I could reasonably expect from myself. Nine weeks out from race day my training peaked at an 18 mile run. The fact that I had made it this far I knew was an accomplishment, however I hadn't made it yet. And over the ensuing weeks as I started to realize what it cost my body to get that far, and how much harder it was to run. I really doubted whether it was even possible, or wise to run the 18 miles again let alone 26.2. I conserved my body as much as possible for the last nine weeks. I ran only a fraction of what was asked of me by my coaches. I saved as much as I could for race day, and I ran. If you want to know how race day went, I cover that in update #12 and #13. To summarize it was harder than I could have ever imagined. The challenge, and my own personal sense of accomplishment with it had grown beyond anything I could have expected.
This journey has morphed into something beyond what I foresaw. It has also changed the way I approach life and those I share it with in areas I wasn't expecting. Since I can remember I have never been one to ask for help. I actually feel quite uncomfortable accepting any type of assistance. My battle with leukemia hasn't been any different. I have progressed over the years in allowing those close to me to know and share this experience with me. In so many ways I found support and supporters during this season that I could have never envisioned. And with that I began to open myself to the world. This writing is a prime example of that. Even now I cannot think on how much love and support I've received and not be overwhelmed with emotion and humbled by how amazing it is. It has been an experience unlike anything I have ever known. When I began this journey I had some ideas of what was on the road ahead, however a dynamic shift in how I seek and accept support and aid, and an outpouring of love was nowhere on my map.
Those were three huge areas where this experience became greater than anything I foresaw. And in some ways because it has become something bigger than expected, I can't begin to wrap my mind around the whole experience. Some of what I feel is: I can't believe I did it, that was harder than I could have imagined and I'm so proud I finished, did I really inspire so many people, will this really make a difference in anyone else's life, I am humbled by what can happen when you ask for help, I am amazed and feel so unworthy of so many people who want to be there for me, I kicked cancer's ass even if for just one day, how will this change my friends who are also battling, how will this change everyone else who has had some part in the experience even the part of spectator, was what I did really that big of a deal, I can't believe I went from having four friends run previous marathons in my honor with my name on their jersey to running my own damn marathon, could this possibly be one of those things that changes lives beyond the scope of my own world and consequently changes the world, I cannot believe that I am so loved, I really cannot believe that I am so loved, my nieces can be brutally honest but I love them so much and hope that I can tell them about this journey when they're old enough to understand it better, if it's a question of will I now believe I can do anything, I hope any benefits from this don't fade away and it becomes pointless, I can't believe that I am really someone who inspires others but I want to, I love my friends and family, I've gained some amazing friends from this, and I still don't know how to quantify how big a deal this all really was.
For now I'll end there. I know this was not my most articulate chapter. Actually I don't know if I really made any progress in my own understanding of what this means and how it's changed me, I hope it's clearer for any of you who are reading. As always feel free to share this and my entire blog, (www.ihaterunningbutihatecancermore.blogspot.com). If even one more person begins their quest to help find a cure it was all worth it. For those of you who still want to donate and support the fight for a cure to leukemia please visit my official fundraising page at: http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/LA10/bsosax
Thank you everyone so much for your love and support. It has changed my life. And as always comments are greatly appreciated.
B
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