Marathon Update #14 (What did I just do???)

This photo reminds me of how beautiful life is, and what amazing things can be done with determination and work. Most importantly though, this photo reminds me of just how much I am loved even if I don't always see it.




So this isn't the first time I've started update #14. But so far my previous attempts have barely begun to shine a light on what I'm trying to express. So here we are once again, hopefully writing update #14 for the last time. I'd like to use this chapter to begin to share what the entire marathon journey has meant. I'll begin by saying that I see this marathon journey as a piece of a bigger journey, which is my battle with leukemia. And I see that battle as part of a larger journey which is my life. That being said, my marathon journey has been a greater challenge and more life altering event then I could have ever imagined.

It's been a little over a week since race day. Nine days to be exact and I still have trouble quantifying what it is I actually accomplished by running the LA Marathon. For those of you who have actually crossed paths with me over these past nine days, you probably realized the race and the experience are still difficult for me to talk about. I'm trying for my own sanity to figure where this difficulty comes from. For starters I never expected this race to tap so many emotions bubbling deep within me. Actually, having any experience that draws so deeply from my well of emotions is something I've yet to become accustomed to. In addition to the emotional side, I am still trying to quantify how big a feat I actually accomplished. So as I try to pin down some points as to what this has meant, I will begin with why this experience has taken me off guard.

To put things simply my marathon journey has grown beyond anything I ever foresaw. It has grown much larger than the life I was originally willing to give it. I originally ran this race for two main reasons. This was always something I've wanted to do. Running a marathon, running the LA marathon has been a dream for quite some time. With that dream in mind, I saw my window of opportunity to attempt the run as possibly closing. That window was one reason I chose to run this years LA Marathon, the second and more driving reason I chose to run was to inspire my friends and partners that are battling leukemia also. From the moment I first signed up to run, this group (some who I see bi-weekly others every 6-8 weeks) have been inspired by what I was attempting. They have been supportive and understanding during the tough parts. And they have been waiting, waiting for me to fail. Waiting for me to fail, because when you're in the midst of battling with leukemia you don't really expect extraordinary things to happen. And if anyone had the right to expect that it was those who knew just how hard it would be. I wanted to run this marathon to inspire them. To give them hope. To maybe make a difference in their battle. That was something I could quantify. That was something I was hoping for and expecting from this journey. What's happened has been greater than that. I've been told I've inspired and given hope to so many more people. I've been called a "hero" by someone I consider a role model for my life. All this was totally unexpected. I have to admit that I love hearing these things, but I also have to admit that I don't know how to handle them. In the basest terms, I'm just not that great with receiving compliments. But being someone's "hero", "inspiration", or "hope" is really beyond a compliment. I have been humbled by the thought that I could touch people who weren't battling along with me in that way. I have no answer in my soul yet for what that means. All I can say at this point is I'm in love with the idea of it, and if you truly do find this inspiring please spread the word. The more people who hear this, perhaps the more who will stand up and run to make a difference. If one more person buys into the thinking, "I hate running, but I hate cancer more" and runs and raises funds to fight leukemia who knows what difference that might make in another person's life; in another person's world and all the lives that world encompasses.

The experience outgrew my expectations in other ways. Part of what I was looking forward to through completing this challenge was that sense of personal accomplishment. I love the idea of doing "great" things. I especially love accomplishing what I'm told I can't accomplish. I'm used to the idea of moving at my own pace and playing within my own boundaries. The thought that my doctor would underestimate me was not unexpected. My own belief that I could do this was very high going into the training. The first half of the training was difficult in its own right. I'm not a runner, so learning to run distances was a new thing. I really dislike running so committing to run so many times every week was a bit of a challenge. There were many difficulties I was expecting. However as the training season progressed the challenge grew larger and larger every day. Each practice the runs were harder for my body to cope with. Each week I had to juggle between what my coaches expect from each team member and what I could reasonably expect from myself. Nine weeks out from race day my training peaked at an 18 mile run. The fact that I had made it this far I knew was an accomplishment, however I hadn't made it yet. And over the ensuing weeks as I started to realize what it cost my body to get that far, and how much harder it was to run. I really doubted whether it was even possible, or wise to run the 18 miles again let alone 26.2. I conserved my body as much as possible for the last nine weeks. I ran only a fraction of what was asked of me by my coaches. I saved as much as I could for race day, and I ran. If you want to know how race day went, I cover that in update #12 and #13. To summarize it was harder than I could have ever imagined. The challenge, and my own personal sense of accomplishment with it had grown beyond anything I could have expected.

This journey has morphed into something beyond what I foresaw. It has also changed the way I approach life and those I share it with in areas I wasn't expecting. Since I can remember I have never been one to ask for help. I actually feel quite uncomfortable accepting any type of assistance. My battle with leukemia hasn't been any different. I have progressed over the years in allowing those close to me to know and share this experience with me. In so many ways I found support and supporters during this season that I could have never envisioned. And with that I began to open myself to the world. This writing is a prime example of that. Even now I cannot think on how much love and support I've received and not be overwhelmed with emotion and humbled by how amazing it is. It has been an experience unlike anything I have ever known. When I began this journey I had some ideas of what was on the road ahead, however a dynamic shift in how I seek and accept support and aid, and an outpouring of love was nowhere on my map.

Those were three huge areas where this experience became greater than anything I foresaw. And in some ways because it has become something bigger than expected, I can't begin to wrap my mind around the whole experience. Some of what I feel is: I can't believe I did it, that was harder than I could have imagined and I'm so proud I finished, did I really inspire so many people, will this really make a difference in anyone else's life, I am humbled by what can happen when you ask for help, I am amazed and feel so unworthy of so many people who want to be there for me, I kicked cancer's ass even if for just one day, how will this change my friends who are also battling, how will this change everyone else who has had some part in the experience even the part of spectator, was what I did really that big of a deal, I can't believe I went from having four friends run previous marathons in my honor with my name on their jersey to running my own damn marathon, could this possibly be one of those things that changes lives beyond the scope of my own world and consequently changes the world, I cannot believe that I am so loved, I really cannot believe that I am so loved, my nieces can be brutally honest but I love them so much and hope that I can tell them about this journey when they're old enough to understand it better, if it's a question of will I now believe I can do anything, I hope any benefits from this don't fade away and it becomes pointless, I can't believe that I am really someone who inspires others but I want to, I love my friends and family, I've gained some amazing friends from this, and I still don't know how to quantify how big a deal this all really was.

For now I'll end there. I know this was not my most articulate chapter. Actually I don't know if I really made any progress in my own understanding of what this means and how it's changed me, I hope it's clearer for any of you who are reading. As always feel free to share this and my entire blog, (www.ihaterunningbutihatecancermore.blogspot.com). If even one more person begins their quest to help find a cure it was all worth it. For those of you who still want to donate and support the fight for a cure to leukemia please visit my official fundraising page at: http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/LA10/bsosax


Thank you everyone so much for your love and support. It has changed my life. And as always comments are greatly appreciated.

B

Marathon Update #13 (the aftermath)

My race day jersey collection. All of these people carried me on their back for 26.2 miles to help all of us fighting get closer to a cure. Thank you guys so much. I love you.









To donate and help in the fight against leukemia please visit my official fundraising page at: http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/LA10/bsosax

For any new comers my marathon journey story begins here at marathon update #1

Well first off let me say I'm sorry for everyone I haven't got back in touch with since the marathon. It's now two days after the race and I have a long list of people to reply to. I'm getting there. Ok so now back to the update. I'm going with "the aftermath" as the title because it's feels appropriate in so many ways, not all but so many. I am hoping to drive the course with my running partner to re-live the race within the next day or two. I expect after that ride to have a lot more to write about. I am also planning on writing another chapter about the entire experience, what it's meant and how it's changed my world. But for now I will continue where I left of at marathon update #12.

To start I'd like to go back toward the end of mile 24. This was my darkest moment of the race, and this was one of my greatest moments of my life. Not great because it felt good, or there was a reward or I was happy. Great in the way that I did something I feel so proud of. I kept going. The last mile and half were the most painful. I can remember now more and more of my run. I'm not sure why but it is somewhat surprising that things didn't get easier when I made the decision to keep going. I've always believed that the hardest part of a great feat is to fully decide to accomplish it. And so many times in my life this has proved true. However on Sunday that wasn't the case. I decided to keep going. I decided I would finish or collapse trying. I put every ounce of caution aside and went, (for those of you who told me before the race to make sure I stayed within my limits and only received the "I'll try" response, this is why). I picked up my feet and said one foot and then the next. I ran, I ran hard, I ran consistent. And the entire last mile and half my body hurt more than it's ever hurt in my life. More than I could have imagined. Every pain was bigger, every cramp was deeper, every step was harder than the last. The decision to finish didn't make it easier. I remember somewhere after the last turn onto ocean thinking there is no way I'll finish. There is no way I'll stay standing until the end, but what can I do now? I figured if I stop I'm going to collapse. So why not keep going? I remember a lot of my thoughts throughout the race but here I can remember them pretty vividly. Coming down Ocean Ave I could see the 26 mile marker and for the longest time thought this was the finish. I thought of a few specific things over and over. These may sound a bit absurd, but I'm writing this for me as much as for anyone else so my apologies in advance. I thought of a boy I met about two years ago named Joseph. He died from Leukemia at age 7. It happened that the two times I visited the hospital when he was there he was due for a very painful procedure. We talked about a lot of things. He loved basketball. I gave him some tips to learn how to dribble better. He loved science, (almost as big a nerd as me) so we talked about random stuff like bugs, clouds and dinosaurs. We talked a little bit about Leukemia. And both times he asked me if it was still going to hurt this time. He was a pro. He had been through everything so many times, but he was still afraid. Truth of it is I'm still afraid of a lot of it. I thought about him, because no matter how much pain I experienced on Sunday or at any other point in my life, I will never experience the pain and fear of a 7 year old going through treatments for Leukemia. I can't even begin to complain about the pain. I think about Joseph a lot. On Sunday I thought about him a lot. I thought about some other pains. Things I've only read about: victims of the atomic bomb, parents who have lost children, people who died painfully at war. I thought about all those things and thought to myself I can do this small thing. I can do this last mile. It doesn't even compare. What I am doing is nothing compared to that. This pain is nothing compared to those. And last I thought about my favorite commercial ever. It's a visa commercial about an Olympic runner Derek Redmond finishing his race even though he pulled his hamstring. I've downloaded and watched that commercial perhaps a thousand times since I've first seen it, especially during this training. It's engrained in my mind. There was a man who worked at a level I could only imagine for years preparing for that race. I cannot begin to imagine how much pain he felt at losing his dream. Any doubts I was having were nothing compared to that. I know those may sound a bit ridiculous but that's what I thought of. Somewhere near the 26 mile marker I told Erica we would take a short walk. I had just figured out that the mile 26 marker wasn't the finish and another 0.2 miles seemed ridiculous. But, in my mind I had no right to stop now. No matter what I was feeling it couldn't compare with what I was focusing on. So we walked. At one point a coach from a different TNT team came up alongside us to encourage us with things like, "you're almost there" and "you can do it". I don't remember what I said, Erica says it was just "Thanks so much." However I remember thinking I wanted to kick him. Yes that is what I thought and what I felt. Perhaps it was a good thing that I could barely lift my legs. He stayed with us for just a minute. Erica said she felt she should get in between me and him because I was "visibly agitated". However he left before she had to. We started running again, and we finished. We kept going for about 20-30 yards after the finish before we figured we could stop, then we hugged and we cried for moment. I couldn't believe it was done. Actually I still can't. I still don't know what to make of this as far as what it means and what type of accomplishment it is. But more on that in another chapter of this blog. During our embrace a member of the marathon staff told us to move along or we'd start cramping up, which was probably a nice way to say "get out of the way". So we walked. The entire street was the runners only area. There was food, which sounded horrible at that moment, and water which was fabulous. I got my little foil after marathon blanket which made me sweat profusely, however the entire last couple miles I was having trouble keeping my eyes open and hands from shaking which was scaring me, so I figured I better keep it on. We walked what seemed like for another 26.2 miles until we saw a friend of Erica's at the pier. After their embrace, Erica's friend gave me a sugar snack and recovery drink to help me out. I must of looked like crap because she didn't offer Erica anything. Then we made our way down to our team area to see if there was some chocolate milk, there wasn’t, and to sign out. After lots of hugs with some of our other teammates I went in search of my family and friends. I was very excited to see my family, especially all my girls. So I made my way to the other side of the pier and found them. The quote of the day was shared by a couple of my nieces and went something like this:

"Did you win Uncle B?"
"I finished."
"But did you win the race?"
"Well it's not that type of race for me."
"So did you win?"
"I finished and everyone who finished won the race?"
"So um, so, so, um, was it a tie?"

Nothing like the truth from the mouth of a child to bring you back to earth. No I didn't win the race, some guy from Kenya did. Even though they brought the hard truth it was amazing to see the smiling faces of my girls after the race. My family was great, and then I went in search of friends. The setup was a bit confusing, and I'd have to say from what I've heard about other marathons the LA marathon was not put together very well. I had so many friends there and worlds collided. To be honest I was far too tired and delirious to care much about it. Thank you again for everyone who came. I had friends from so many different areas and time periods of my life. I even had friends who I never found, I am so sad I never found you guys. I have signs, which will be up in my room for quite some time to come, I got a homemade crown, I got photos (oh if you have any photos from that day please send me a copy thanks). It was amazing. After a while though I couldn't stand on my feet anymore. I could have sat down with all my supporters however I was truly convinced that if I sat down I wouldn't be able to get up again and I really wanted to go lay down in my hotel room. So back to the hotel it was. I laid down to try to sleep which I was able to do for a while. I awoke a few times but the last time I realized I was getting pretty sick. I could feel that I had quite a fever and my mind was quite disoriented. Luckily for me, I've been down this road many times in the past 4 1/2 years so I knew what to do. I took a nice cold shower, and then went down to eat at our team victory dinner. I really wish I could have spent more time with the team hearing about everyone's experience. However after stuffing myself I went straight back up to the room and back into another cold shower. The next few hours was a mixture of sleep and cold showers as I made sure I kept my fever under control. I knew that the after part of the marathon was still very dangerous and that while I had to pay close attention to the first 72 hours after the race I had to pay very close attention to the first 24. I sang a couple duets with the "White Porcelain Goddess" and had what I'm sure were some very interesting fever dreams. But after it all I awoke the next morning feeling worlds better. My body still feels ridiculous. The day of the marathon everything hurt but my back was by far the worst. The next day was much of the same. I spent a good few hours last night alternating ice and a heating pad over various parts of my body. Today, well today I'm hoping that it starts getting better tomorrow, because it sure as hell didn't get any better today. But we are now about 48 hours removed from the run and other than pain I am ok. Lot's of oranges and immunity booster supplements, (thank you mentor lady) and lots and lots of water.

For now I will end there. I am not sure how I will finish this blog. I do want to write more specifics about the race once I drive it. I also want to write more about the entire experience. Aside from those two chapters I'm not sure if there is anything left to tell. So if any of you have any ideas let me know. And again thank you all for every bit of your support. It has changed me. Please spread the word and help in the fight against leukemia. If what I did brings awareness to even one more person it was worth it. If you want to share all my updates the blog address is: www.ihaterunningbutihatecancermore.blogspot.com

Thank you all.

B

Marathon Update #12 (Rejoice!!!)

At the finish with my #1 fans. I did it!!!






So today is the day after the marathon and it still hasn't sunk in that I really did it. To be quite honest I'm having a tough time remembering much of the 2nd half of the race, so I'm hoping writing will help. Not to sure where to start with the whole experience so I'll start with this; the guy who won the race finished in 2:09:10. I finished in 5:36:31. A part of me would have really liked to have finished closer to that 2:09:10 time. I am now at the point where I second guess and wonder if I could have trained better or pushed harder during the race. That being said somewhere between 0.1%-2% of people ever run a marathon, (from my basic research I couldn't pin down a more precise percentage). So I did something about 99% of the population will never do. And I did it with Leukemia and less than a week after my most recent treatment. So I feel amazing knowing that. With that introduction I'll now delve into race day and hopefully I can remember most of it. Also I am writing this as much for myself as for anything else, so I may be more detailed or descriptive than usual, so my apologies in advance.

Race day! Race day came early, 3:45 am to be exact, but that was expected. Up nice and early to get ready and meet the rest of my team in our hotel lobby and shuttle off to the course. The bus ride to the course was a bit extensive. The 110 freeway was a parking lot, literally. The traffic was at a standstill and after a little while we started seeing people walking along the side of the road race gear in hand. What seemed like over a hundred people, (probably less) abandoned their vehicles on the side of the freeway to make sure they made the race on time. When we finally arrived at Dodger stadium it was a mad house. We didn't have to much time before the race started to check our gear and use the restroom, and finding our way around was a challenge. I was very happily surprised to have one of my best friends waiting for me at the stadium, I wasn't expecting to see anyone until about mile 21 so that was amazing. The race began for the super fast people, and then everyone else. I was expecting them to start everyone in waves, (it's what I hear most large marathons do) however it was more like a cattle crossing. About 30 yards out I saw my first victim of the course, poor guy laying on the ground surrounded by about six medical personnel, (probably was tripped and trampled). I started the race with my training team (Team Curly Hair: Me, Erica, Tara, and honorary race day member Alex). The first few miles were ridiculously crowded. The first mile was entirely in the parking lot at the stadium, so as we came upon the 1 Mile marker I could look over and see people still starting the race. The first few miles were fairly uneventful, except for what seemed like an excessive amount of hills.

Somewhere in the first few miles our group split, Alex fell behind to go at her own pace and Tara went on ahead at a restroom stop. Erica, (who was running her second marathon in 3 weeks, and was there solely to offer me support) stayed with me. As usual the first 6 miles offered what I like to think of as "the growing pains". Lots of pains coming and going as my body asked me, "What the hell are you doing?" Mile six was like heaven. The world slowed down, and my body started to hit its rhythm. From about mile 6 to mile 10 I felt pretty good. Some random notes from the first 10 miles: There was a guy running with a big cross on his back made of PVC pipe and we kept leap frogging with him, there were a lot of stinky people especially in the first most crowded miles, I lost one of my chocolate Gu's in the first mile, I saw maybe 3 or 4 people total in the first ten miles that were receiving medical aid while laid out on the side of the road. In total there were 30 runners that had to be taken to hospitals, one is still unconscious from cardiac arrest.

Somewhere shortly after mile 10 things started not going so well. I somewhat attribute this to my own mental state. As I came upon and passed the 10 Mile marker I was thinking a lot about how my doctor had originally said that would probably be my limit. That I would want to run but my body would just shut down. That I wouldn't be able to go much further than that, if that far at all. Well in some regards he was right. Miles 10-20ish are all a blur. Somewhere after mile 10 things started shutting down. It began with my right hamstring cramping. I had another salt packet to help, but the cramp got to the point where I could barely bend my right knee without the muscle seizing up, so I pulled off to the side of the road to stretch (the first of many stops). This was when I realized things were getting bad. I tried putting my leg up on something so I could stretch my hamstring and immediately my quadriceps seized up and cramped. I tried pulling my leg behind me to stretch my quads and my hamstring freaked out. I tried touching my toes to stretch my calves and hamstring and there began what was a few hours of the worst back spasms I've ever experienced. All that said, my first stretch break accomplished nothing in the way of stretching. So knowing that at that moment I couldn't stretch the hamstring I started back out on the course. It was shortly after that the second part shut down. My left quadriceps, which had never before even slightly bothered me began to cramp. Actually, the cramps were just above the knee about every other time my left foot struck the ground. That was the first time I had ever had a cramp like that in my life. I once again pulled of to the side of the road to stretch. Here I massaged my quads as well as I could and made the decision that I'd have to sacrifice my back for my hamstrings. It was getting to the point where I couldn't even take a step without my hamstring seizing up so it had to be done. I bent over and touched my toes, which felt like I was ripping the lower half of my back in half. It was horrible. Some more salt and back on the track. The spectators along the way were amazing. Some of them had snacks and I had more than my fair share of bananas. The signs were pretty awesome. Some of my favorites: "Chuck Norris never ran a marathon", "You're amazing", and "26.3 miles would just be crazy". The spectators were amazing. The whole journey was far more emotional than I anticipated, but I was so moved by all these people out there cheering for us. I was really touched. Add to that the fact I was wearing my Team In Training race day jersey which evoked a countless amount of "Go Team" (our official team slogan) and so many thank yous for fighting cancer. The man bearing the cross continued to leap frog with us, and I found a few other people who seemed to be about the same pace. Marilyn Monroe was there running, and I told her I'd buy her a drink at the end, (I forgot, sorry Marilyn). Miles 10 to 20 were a blur as far as the order of things, but I do remember a lot of the randomness. My body began to continue to break down. I soon got to the point where both legs, (quads and hamstrings) were alternating cramping. Luckily my back spasms were mostly just while trying to stretch at this point. Somewhere along the way I had to pull off to the side and throw up, (kind of gross sorry). I'm not exactly sure when that happened. Another time I was on the grassy street median, and fell over while trying to stretch. I remember that happening because it was both very embarrassing and extremely painful. I tried to play it off that I was just sitting down to stretch but I don't think Erica bought it. Someone came and offered me a pain relieving spray, but I had to turn it down because I was afraid that if I took anything to dull the pain I wouldn't know what was going on with my body, and not being able to monitor things would be dangerous. At every mile there were water stops which was amazing. The volunteers at the water stops were awesome. Encouraging us as we went and working hard to make sure we had water and Powerade. I could not thank them enough and by the end of the race I probably told at least a dozen of them that I loved them. These miles were when I really had to mentally buckle down. I had to find ways to inspire myself and keep going. My first tactic was to think about everyone who told me I couldn't do this. Thinking about how this is something I shouldn't be able to do and I was gonna do it anyway. After a little of that I needed something different. Listening to the names of everyone who donated was great. Actually that was one of the best race prep things I did, (thanks mentor lady for the idea and "206" for recording the names for me). After that I needed something more. I thought about the smiling faces of friends and family that would be waiting for me at the finish. I especially though of how great it'd be for my little ones to run up to me smiling and excited to see me. All of these thoughts helped push me. And I revisited each one several times. However Somewhere closer to mile 20 everything shut down. The headaches I'd been fighting off came back as a mini-migrane, all my leg muscles seized up on me at once, and my back started spasming uncontrollably. Add to that, the bottom of my feet felt like they were on fire, especially the left. This was the first time I really didn't think I could do it. I came really close to shutting down and stopping. I no longer felt confident that I could tell the difference between the acceptable pain and the dangerous pain. I no longer felt I could continue to handle the pain I was already experiencing. This was one of the darkest moments of the race. This was the point where everything in the race changed. It was no longer an experience but now soley a purpose. I thought about my friends who passed away losing their battle to leukemia. I thought about my friends who were still fighting. I thought about how much this would mean to all of the them. I thought about all the children who are fighting and how hard it must be for them. And then the real reason I started this whole thing kicked in and I was no longer running for myself. I made myself think of what it'd be like to let them all down. I thought about how it'd feel if another one of my friends took a bad turn with their disease and I thought "what if I'd finished the race? Would that have inspired them and made a difference?" I thought about all this, and then I got back on the course and ran.

Miles 20 on are where I really have a tough time remembering, so hopefully I can accurately cover that. Somewhere around mile 21 a great friend met me with ice cold grapes. They were the sweetest, juiciest grapes I've ever had. I'd have to imagine that's how good the fruit was in the Garden of Eden. I wish I could of ate more, but holding things down was tough. I also had my close friend from the starting line back. Both friends got huge hugs which were as much to say thank you as they were to give my body a little rest while I was leaning on them. I walked with these friends for a bit, but I soon realized that if I didn't start again now, then I wouldn't ever. So Erica and I got back on the course and ran. I really don't remember much of the 20's. I had my slowest mile, roughly 20 minutes and my best mile (best not fastest) mile 26. The 20's were hard. I had to think a lot about why I was there. I had to think about that so much. I wanted to quit so bad. I don't know how I did it. There were several times every ounce of me hurt. There were several times I had to pull off to the side of the road and pretend I needed a stretch because I was afraid I was gonna fall over. There were several times I stumbled and there were several times every leg muscle I had simultaneously cramped. It was painful. It was torturous. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done. Hands down, not even close the most difficult thing. I knew I could quit and nobody would hold it against me. There were a couple scary moments when I got a bit dizzy or it was hard to keep my eyes open and I had to stop and thought maybe quitting would be the smart thing. But usually around these moments some really old person would cruise past me, or someone who reminded me of one of my lost friends and I'd think to myself, "I can, I can". So we ran on. The last few miles I was able to run a bit more regularly, however I wasn't able to keep going for more than a couple minutes at a time. Somewhere around mile 24 I was done. I cant remember where we were at, or what happened, but I remember being on the side of the road and thinking, "this is it. I'm done." I couldn't put any pressure on my feet, and couldn't stand in any position that didn't result in something cramping up. I vividly remember telling myself, "you're finished." That was a very dark moment. Very dark. I pictured my friends, both those fighting and those who've lost their fight and told them how sorry I was, but I couldn't go on anymore. I just couldn't. I remember bending over trying to stretch and Erica saying, "come on let's go." And I did. I ran. I ran strong, I ran well. I focused everything I had on finishing. I stopped caring if it was dangerous. I stopped trying to figure out if I was pushing to hard or if this was the dangerous pain. I decided that I was going to move. I was not going to stop. If I collapsed than so be it. If I passed out on the course than so be it. But I was going to move toward that finish no matter what. I remember that decision. I remember that moment. I don't really remember after that. Erica says I had my best stretch where I ran nonstop for about 12 minutes. I had my fastest mile since way earlier, and I ran. I took a walking break to gather myself again. And then I ran to the finish. I finished. I did it!!!!

For now I am going to end there. I will do another update that covers more about the finish and after the race. But for now, I need a mental rest, even writing about it, is far more emotional than I anticipated. Thank you again everyone who has supported me. I love you all. Please spread the word, there are so many people fighting a battle with leukemia, and any and all awareness moves us closer to a cure. Feel free to share my website and blog to help spread the awareness. Also please leave comments, I love them.


B

I did it!!!! I did it!!! for everyone who believed I me and supported me, I can't thank you enough. you all helped pull me through.

RaceDay Alert

Brandon Sosa @ Finish in 05:36:30 (NET). Pace: 12:50. Powered by Honda.

RaceDay Alert

Brandon Sosa @ 40K in 05:20:47 (NET). Pace: 12:54. Predicted: 5:38:23. Powered by Honda.

RaceDay Alert

Brandon Sosa @ 30K in 03:43:22 (NET). Pace: 11:58. Predicted: 5:14:11. Powered by Honda.

RaceDay Alert

Brandon Sosa @ 20K in 02:19:56 (NET). Pace: 11:15. Predicted: 4:55:14. Powered by Honda.

RaceDay Alert

Brandon Sosa @ 10K in 01:09:33 (NET). Pace: 11:11. Predicted: 4:53:27. Powered by Honda.

Marathon Update

Just an FYI, I will have live race day updates posting to this blog. There will be updates when I start, reach 10k, 20k, 30k, 40k and when I finish. If you want updates sent to your email or phone you can sign up at: http://www.lamarathon.com/runner-info/race-day-tracking/

Thank you all for your overwhelming support. Only 2 more days!!!!

B

Marathon Update #11 (The End is Near!!!)

Today we are going with 2 photos!!!!

The first inspires me to think of how sweet the taste of success is.

They both remind that I'm fighting so that I and all the other warriors fighting with Leukemia can enjoy more days like this one.



To donate to the LLS and help in the fight against Leukemia please visit my official fundraising page at: http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/LA10/bsosax


Well here we are only a few days away from the big race, and it's time for another marathon update. So as we approach the big day I'll be mostly talking logistics for race day.



So quite a few of you have expressed interest in coming to the race. This section is for all of you. First off, the idea of people wanting to come and see me, and cheer for me makes me quite uncomfortable. I'm not normally a fan of the spotlight. That being said it does make me feel a little bit like a rock star and that outweighs the comfort issue. So thank you everyone who has even considered coming even if it turns out that you cannot make it. I think knowing that there's a group of friends and family awaiting my finish will make it infinitely easier to keep going. So barring the off-chance that a giant pre-historic bird swoops down a carries me away to feed on, I will finish the race. Now the logistics of race day.

1) The LA Marathon has put out a spectator guide that covers some of the detail of the race from the viewers standpoint. The link is: http://www.lamarathon.com/event/spectator-guide/

2) The course begins at Dodger stadium, makes it way to downtown, then heads to the Santa Monica Pier via Hollywood and Beverly hills. Here is a link to the course map: http://www.lamarathon.com/event/course-map/ You are more than welcome to come and cheer at any point of the race, however I have been told that it is kind of difficult to see the actual runner you're looking for with the large crowds and I won't be able to stop and chat. Also keep in mind that there will be quite a few people coming to the finish line, so if you do come to the finish line plan for some potential parking challenges. But at the finish line I will be able to stop and chat, so it may be all worth it.

3) The finish Line: At the finish I have been told it works as follows: I finish, then I go into a runners only area where I get a photo, snacks, any medical attention I may need and then I can go to the visitor section (takes about 15 minutes to get through the runners section). The visitor section has areas marked off by the first letter of the runners last name. I will be in the "S" section.

4) Timing: This is the big question. I've been asked a few times how long it will take me to run. Honestly I'm not sure. My longest run of the training was 18 miles and I ran it at about a 10:30/mile pace. If I did that at the marathon I would finish in a little over 4 1/2 hours. However, that 18 miles was over 2 months ago. Since then my body has not been at it's best and I've had to cut all of my runs shorter than planned. With that in mind I am hoping to finish at about 5 hours for the marathon. However I can't guarantee any results as I'm not to sure how my body will respond, it may take me quite a bit longer. The marathon starts at 7:24 am, but seeing as I'm not one of the Kenyans who will be in the front I won't start until sometime closer to 8am. So if I start at 8 am, and I do the marathon in 5 hours, I will finish at 1pm. Your best bet to figure out my finish time is to track my progress on race day. You can actually sign up to get text alerts of when I start and track my progress for free at:
http://www.lamarathon.com/runner-info/race-day-tracking/ Signing up is a 3 part process. You first have to create a username and password and search for me, (Brandon Sosa). I'm the only Brandon Sosa running, but if for some reason another joins, I'm the one from Toluca Lake. Second you have to enter how you want the updates, text or email or both. Third you have to confirm. You'll get a text and/or email with the confirmation code and you enter that code. This needs to be done before Sunday. If you have any problems let me know. I will also have updates on my blog: www.ihaterunningbutihatecancermore.blogspot.com The alerts will come for when I start, hit 10K, 20K, 30K, 40K and finish. The total marathon is just over 42 kilometers so you can gauge my finish time accordingly.

So that is the logistics portion for anyone who is thinking of coming. I've never run or been to a marathon before so I'm not 100% certain of what to expect. If you have any questions or concerns just let me know.


Now to the actual race. Training is now basically done. I shut down the running part of my training with my last run being on March 6th. I've done a bit of cycling since to keep my legs fresh but unfortunately that too has been pretty hard on my body. So now I will probably do one more cycle before Sunday, (nothing major, maybe 20 mins) and am focusing solely on diet, rest and hydration. I went earlier today and bought my nutrition (chocolate and vanilla gu) for the race. I'm putting the finishing touches on the marathon music playlist, thanks for all the suggestions and have asked a friend to make my track of who donated. Now I'm just working through all the minor details. I'll be staying with the team down in santa monica on Saturday and Sunday, so that I wont have to stress to much about my own personal logistics in arriving on time at the race. Thank goodness for that, because I'd hate to show up late to the race I've been training for these past 5+ months. And now it's just the mental preparation. My body isn't going to want to run, and it's going to send me lots and lots of signals accordingly. I am prepping myself for that mentally so I can push on and finish. Having the support of everyone will make that part so much easier. Thank you everyone for your support, I have been truly blown away by it.

So that is it. I think this will likely be my last pre-race marathon update. I will definitely have some post race thoughts to chronicle. Thanks for following along my journey. Please share the link to the blog with anyone who may be interested, intrigued or inspired: www.ihaterunningbutihatecancermore.blogspot.com After all the whole purpose of this is to help and inspire others who are also battling leukemia and the more people who become aware the better. Thank you all so much.



B

Marathon Update #10

This photo reminds me it's big world out there for us to do big things in. I'm only 13 days away from trying to do something big.



To make a donation and support my fight against Leukemia pleas visit my official fundraising page at:
http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/LA10/bsosax


Let's begin this edition of Marathon Updates with some great news. Thanks to an up swell of donations over the past couple weeks I have both met and exceeded my fundraising goal. Thank you to everyone who has donated and thank you to everyone who has spread the word. More on that below. As of today we are less than two weeks away from race day and final plans for the race are starting to come together. Also being only 13 days away from the race I'm also at the end of my training. It's been a long journey that's coming to the end, but I still have my final few days here to make sure I'm ready for the big day.


Now back to the fundraising. Thank you everyone again. To be quite frank, the support I have received while training for this marathon, (both financial and emotional), has been one of the best experiences I've had since being diagnosed 4 1/2 years ago. Actually it's one of the best experiences of my life. I've never been good at asking for and accepting help, (actually I still am lousy at it) but I barely had to say the word and so many people were there for me. I cannot begin to express how much this has meant. Your support and encouragement has made me feel like I could do what I was told I wouldn't be able to: finishing that damn race. Looking at the list of names on my fundraising page of people who've stepped up to show their support is one of my motivational crutches that I'm using to get through these last few weeks of training. We've got donations from all across the country and even internationally, (I feel like a rock star). I am planning on making a mp3 track of all the names of people who have donated to listen to during the race when I need a kick in the ass to get me going (thanks for the idea Mentor Lady). So anyone who wanted to donate, please come by the page and donate. Even if it's just a dollar, seeing your name on the list makes a difference. I'm going to ask a friend to make the mp3 track for me so if you want to be on the race day track get your donations in by the 19th. Thanks again so much. This support has meant more to me than I could ever express in words.


Race day specifics are now coming up. In addition to worrying about what I'll wear and what nutrition I need, I'm starting to realize quite a few of you are coming to the race. Thank you everyone who's even considered coming. I'm not 100% sure how the whole race day thing works, but I've asked my sister to be at the finish with my nieces and nephews. From what I hear at the finish they have a good system for people to find each other. I'm also going to have my phone on me, (just in case of an emergency) but after the race I'll be reachable. As to the specifics for actually running, I've figured out a few things:

1) The starbucks hat will be in full effect - For those of you who don't know I've done the majority of my training wearing a starbucks hat. Hence the fact that most of my running team doesn't know my name, they just refer to me as starbucks. Truth is I prefer coffee bean.

2) Green Socks - My green socks are tied for being my most comfortable and they match my hat. So right there that one is a no brainer.

3) My nutrition will be Chocolate and Vanilla Gu - Don't know if I spelled gu right but who's cares (Erica). For those of you who have never had gu, it's this paste that’s full of energy boosting stuff??? I really don't know the details, but what I do know is that the chocolate and vanilla flavors taste like cake frosting. No joke, cake frosting. I might have to run more marathons just so I have an excuse to eat a bunch of these.

4) the marathon playlist - this is shaping up nicely, and thanks to a visit to the bookstore yesterday I now have White Rabbit on the list (reading does pay off). However a warning for those of you who are also White Rabbit fans, don't go to sleep at night with that song on repeat unless you are prepared for some funky dreams. I'll publish the final list before the race.

That's all the race day details I've decided on so far. I'll have to start nailing down all the details, like apparel very soon though.


Training is ending!!! I am so excited that training is ending. So now that I'm in the final 2 weeks of preparing for my run I've made some changes to my training approach. Namely I've shut down the running. I ran about 5 miles last Saturday and it kicked my but, badly. I've been scaling back the runs for over a month now and the runs have been getting progressively more difficult. This was something I've expected just not something I was totally ready for. So between now and the race I wont be running anymore. I will do some cycling at the gym and will definitely continue my strength training. However I'm of the opinion now that I've only got 1 more run left in my body before it quits on me, so I'm saving it for the 26.2 mile run in 2 weeks. As I said in my last update, I'm not going to harp on why the runs are difficult, but I do want to say that running this race while doing these damn treatments was something my doc has said I wouldn't be able to do. And now for the first time since I've begun training, those words are starting to get into my head. So any words of encouragement to help me kick this mental funk are greatly appreciated. Thanks. I'm going to finish that damn race!!!


So now I'm just getting ready for the race. Eating a lot of bananas, drinking a lot of water and getting rest. Thank you again everyone, so much. And please spread the word. This is a great cause, and if you're not sure why you should donate, please read marathon update #7 again. Thank you.

B

Marathon Update #9

Photo: My beautiful Sasha who dressed herself. Reminding me that I have to figure out what my race day attire will be, the day is almost here.




To make a donation please visit my official fundraising page:
http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/LA10/bsosax


It's that time again… MARATHON UPDATE TIME!!!!! Well for this update I've decided to go with the theme of addressing all the issues from last update. For those of you reading this on my blog and not facebook the updates show in reverse order, so you'd have to scroll down to see the early ones. Well without any further delay lets move on (oh, a quick editors note: I have included a few grammatical and spelling errors for one of my good friends and favourite readers. Just a little treat, like a treasure hunt):

20 miles -

Well, I didn't run the 20 last Saturday. I appreciate all the input from everyone on what to do here, however my body isn't feeling great right now and I really don't want to risk my legs for marathon day. I did about 12.5 instead. Now not doing the 20 is a bit scary, because apparently most first timers hit "the wall" somewhere between mile 18 and 22. So seeing as my longest run to date has been 18, I won't have the experience in my back pocket. On the brighter side, my knees don't hurt terribly when I walk. Yeah!!!!!! So as for this 12.5 mile run, wow!!! This run kicked my butt. This was by far the hardest run to date. The bad thing about that is, my two hardet runs have both come in Santa Monica on the tail end of my marathon course. I'm planning on going and running the last 3-4 miles of the course the week before the race (thanks Lo-pan). since I'm being a bit more open in this blog than my normal comfort level, I'll have to admit this run has really scared me. My first difficult run was hard for various reasons; knee ligament issues, muscle fatigue, no breakfast, no sleep the night before and so on. However, these were all normal things. I could handle and fix them all. This week wasn't that at all. This week's run was full of weird not fun at all pain, hard breathing, a period where some organ inside of me hurt (don't know what that was), an almost migraine, and a lack of me being able to mentally put it all behind me easily and just run. I had a tough time negotiating between the acceptable and non-acceptable pains. And it was less than 1/2 of my marathon. Damn!!!!! Ok, so all that said I am finishing the marathon. If I collapse halfway down the course my running mentor has already agreed to carry me across the line (although seeing as I outweigh her by about 100 lbs I'm not to sure how that'll work out). Seriously though there is no way I'm not finishing. I've come way to far and I don't care what hurts, or how much. I'm finishing.

Fundraising (beware of "AMAZING") -

Ok once again this has been AMAZING. As of right now I'm at 90% of my goal and the support has been awesome. And amazing!!!! So for those of you who are planning a last minute donation, my final funds are due tomorrow even though I can still raise money for the next 6 weeks or so. That just means they'll charge my credit card for the difference tomorrow and reimburse me if I meet the goal later. Needless to say I'd like to not have that happen so feel free to come and support. Also, from the show of support that's grown exponentially these last couple weeks I am thinking I'll probably surpass my goal by marathon day, can you say AMAZING. So if you're going to my page to donate and you see that I've already hit my goal, don't worry you didn't miss the bus you can still donate. The money goes to a great cause. And since I'm going to have to find a way to give 120% to finish that race I may as well raise 120% of my fundraising goal. Right??? Catchy isn't it? So please come by my fundraising page (link above) and support. Even if it's just a buck it really means a lot to see that long list of names of people who care. So going back to the theme of how amazing this has been, thank you everyone for your support. For those of you who know me, you know that accepting help and support is not my best talent. Actually it'd be fair to say I suck at it. However, I've had to try to get past that because this isn't for me. This is for the brave men and women I've had the honor to fight along with. And they deserve every ounce of support they can get. So I've done a bit more of accepting help and support and you all have been amazing!!!! Amazing!!!! I can't begin to express how much this support has touched me. So great. Really, thank you all so much. You all are AMAZING!!!!!

Worlds Colliding -

Sorry you don't understand Robin. For those of you who may have missed it, I've asked George Castanza to explain how worlds colliding works:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxuYdzs4SS8

So now that you understand what kind of cataclysmic catastrophes are possible with the collisions of worlds, beware worlds will be colliding on March 21st. Once again you're all invited to come. After consulting with one of my teammates I may even ask one or two of you to post along the way with some grapes, or a mini frappuccino, any volunteers :-) ???? So as of right now I have about 6 worlds colliding, and to be honest I don't even know who else may be coming. However this should be interesting. I am super excited that my favorite people in the world (nieces & nephews) will be there. So for any of you who've been listening to me go on and on about them for years now,, and have been dying to meet them, this is your chance. So if you think you want to come let me know, or just show up. They have a system so that people can find runners at the finish by last name. or you can see me run by along the race route and hold up a homemade sign that says something like, "Brandon is the greatest" or "Brandon is amazing" or "Brandon 4 President" or a million other things, you get the idea. So my worlds will collide but hopefully that doesn't mean that Brandon will cease to exist as you know him!

Them Bones -

Ok, so I kind of touched on this above, but damn my bones hurt. Actually the pain is getting kind of funky. My doc said I wouldn't be able to do it not that I couldn't and now I know what he meant. That being said I've kept him apprised quite regularly about any and all pains and I will monitor my body closely before, during and after the race. But as I said before, I'm finishing the race. If I have to lay on my side and roll 26.2 miles I will. I'm finishing the race. So as for addressing them bones in my updates, I'm just gonnna leave it here, they hurt, but neither they nor what's inside them will stop me. And that's all I have to say about that.

So now that the race is ever so close, I'd like to say again thank you every one for your support. Financially, emotionally and in every way. This has truly been a journey and I'm excited to carry it through to the end. Please leave comments, they're great!!!!

B